So rarely do we have all our holes filled [04 Jul 2009|10:32am] rebelangel138 [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | The sound of having my pipes cleared, kinky. ] Ah, I accomplished what I had hoped to this week! Hustle to Billie Jean :) The lesson this Thurs. at UK Hall was Hustle and John and I met each other there. It was actually the first Hustle lesson I have ever taken, even though I have been dancing the Hustle (and dancing it pretty damn well) since January. I realized, though, I've got a bit of foot work to improve on. More than a handful of bad habits... oops. John was the only person I danced with all night, but that's fine. We had a great time doing it and I know I was working it cuz on friday my shoulders were unbelievably sore! :) So, I came home thursday night feeling physically exhausted, but mentally rejuvenated and I decided I didn't want this Steve shit hanging over my head and that I'd gather my thoughts on the matter and give him a call. It was about 12:15am when I called him, he said he was just getting home from a long day at work... I think that is an understatement. So, apparently not much has changed with him.... but, anywho, the night before I told him there was a question that I wanted to ask him, but that I wasn't sure exactly what it was yet. I decided my question was "what do you want from me?" but, that alone probably wouldn't prompt the answer I was really seeking from him, so I had a bit of rambling to go along with it. All organized in writing beforehand, of course. The general gist of my rambling was that he treated me like I was disposable before and that I wouldn't tolerate it again. I brought up his remark about wanting to be friends and I explain that we aren't friends, never were, and that I had no clue how to be his friend. I told him why I called him 3 weeks ago and why it hurt me that he never got back to me (...until now, but if someone ignores you for the better part of the month of June before calling you back, is that really a returned call? I don't think so.) He denied that his phone call the previous night was a booty call and said he asked how late I was staying up simply because he knows I am a night owl. Though, he said he understood that it could have sounded that way. When I said he had treated me like I was completely disposable he said "WHAT!??! I completely disagree with that!" and so I explained the situations which made me feel that way (including the... hey, I'm going to ignore that you called me for 3 weeks) and he apologized and it was never his intention to make me feel that way. He said he goes through bouts (and made it clear that he may very well still be in one) where he just really doesn't like making plans with anyone because it can put him in a difficult place if something comes up (I assume this means something work related?). He said that for a very long time he couldn't fill the needs of who he cared about (I assume this means past relationship?) and that it made him feel terrible. He seemed to say that his solution, therefore, was to never promise anyone anything and, thus, he could not dissapoint them- which we've already proven to be false. So yeah, wahh for Steve. I understand it and I believe him, but knowing and understanding that part of him doesn't make him any bit more a better person to be involved with. He still has his issues. That hasn't changed, that won't change. But. I will try and be his friend. We'll see how it goes. He said he appreciated that I said I didn't know how to be his friend because he doesn't really know, either. We decided we would platonically (wonder how long that'll last? 30 minutes?) get a drink sometime and maybe go out dancing. He owes me a Salsa, anyway. He said he would call me to plan the aforementioned drinking/dancing. We'll see. *starts the 3 week count down* But. The point is. I feel like I was able to say what I needed to say (though it came out much nicer than I was intending, damnit, why I can't I stay mad!?!) and that I leveled with him and was able to kind of weed through the shit that's gone on. Maybe things with him will work out, maybe we actually can be friends. Or maybe he'll pull the same shit as before and, once again, I'll be giving him the "this isn't working out" speech. I'm willing to find out and I'm prepared to be disappointed. Leave it a wasteland.

Seriously???? [02 Jul 2009|07:52am] rebelangel138 [ mood | Torn in 50 different direction ] Ok, so. When I told him things weren't "working out" for me (that was back in April) I deleted the email account with which I spoke to him and facebook de-friended him to save myself from the sure-to-happen compulsive checking. Then, in May, he posted another ad on craigslist and this sealed the fact that I knew I should never again speak to him. I deleted his number from my phone. A few weeks later I found his business card in my desk. At the time I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. Later (about 3 weeks ago), in a moment (or several...) of weakness I called him using the number on that card. I left a message saying I was thinking about him and wondered how he was doing and that he could give me a call if he wanted. He never called back. A week after the phone call wasn't returned, I ripped his card to little bits and threw it away. Thinking, again, that I was out of ways to contact him. Then I get some stupid verizon text message yesterday and I start going through my inbox and realized that I still have messages from him (most of them saying something like "Oh, I know we had plans tonight, but I forgot I had to do this other thing, so sorry, maybe some other night"). I deleted them- CONVINCED that this was the last piece of him to be erased from my life. But of course, life loves a good joke. He fucking called me last night. What the hell. If you are going to ignore me, ignore me. If you want to talk to me, talk to me. Not some fucked up half-in-between shit. I am fairly certain the call was a "testing the booty-call waters" since he asked "Is tonight going to be a late night for you... are you going to be up for a while?" I eluded the question. And to top it all off, I was nice. We chatted for about 30 minutes. He told me not to be a stranger. "Likewise," I said. Yes, we'll be great friends returning each others calls every 3 weeks. But who is he kidding? We were never friends in the first place. "I'd like to be friends" translates to "I'd like to still have the option of calling you every once in a great while with the high hope that sex will ensue" Fuck you, Steve... and fuck me, too, for not being able to let this go, for not having enough self respect to just tell him to fuck off. Nope, giving into the loneliness. Because temporary "solutions" always work so well. 2 has come and gone. have come and gone. | Leave it a wasteland.

DON'T DELAY, BLOG TODAY! [29 Jun 2009|12:20pm] syaradj DJPLAESKOOL HERE. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE WERE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO IN THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS. WELL I'M HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT! TELEIDOSCOPIKS EPISODE 8 ( POSTHUMOUS PITCHMAN PONTIFICATIONS ) 2 has come and gone. have come and gone. | Leave it a wasteland.

[28 Jun 2009|09:16am] seulgaist I really want to finish WotG (because god knows I've yet to even complete one expansion), but my interest in FFXI is hitting an all time low. Besides leveling with Julia and the missions, nothing's keeping me going. Too many new and exciting games are overshadowing XI's dinosaur mechanics. Seulgaist will die when XIV rolls around anyways, but is it worth the money to keep him around till then? 1 has come and gone. have come and gone. | Leave it a wasteland.

Farewell MJ [25 Jun 2009|08:42pm] syaradj Your music changed us all. It did indeed, change the world. We have all lost something great tonight. All hail the King of Pop. RIP. 2 has come and gone. have come and gone. | Leave it a wasteland.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]